One of them snapped, "It's Wales you bloody idiot!!"

So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mpg, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO IN THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but the Pope is his chauffeur."

because it WORKS!

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. She will enable him to
express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It’s whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind.

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new.”

“So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has
two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
6 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
4 - 6" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows.’ 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
   ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
   but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
   says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
   taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." The doc
   replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." The worried patient
   says, " Is it common?" The doc smiles, " Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
   Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly replies, "I
   don't believe you." "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
   look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
    find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I
    amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
    says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
    the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
    have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
    in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
    an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't
    stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
    to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
    in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
    himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
    husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
    responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
    little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
    from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...
    a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
    there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
    laugh. No pun in ten did.[/SIZE][/FONT]

I called lifeline and got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...