Official jokes thread
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders 3 shots and
while he's drinking the monkey slams the other two and starts jumping
all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats
them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it
whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has
his monkey with him. This time he orders 2 drinks and the monkey slams
both shots and again starts running around the bar again.The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks
it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out
and ate it!" says the barkeeper."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
checks everything for size" -
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor
of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the
woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well,
I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth
timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." -
it finally came about that Eugene would take his woman on holiday and headed
off to the USA ... after the long journey they finally arrived at The
New England Hotel in Rochester to be greeted by the lobby clerk, Doug ...
Doug gave them the usual friendly American welcome then invited them to sign
into the hotel, 'how may nights are you staying'? enquired Doug ... now
Eugenes' woman being a bit deaf, and why not after all those years with him,
said, 'what did he say'? ... 'he's just asking how long we're staying
for' replied Eugene ..... then Doug further enquiring, 'will that be
a double or twin beds sir' ... again, Eugenes' woman, 'what did he say'?
.... 'he's asking what size beds we need,' says Eugene now getting a bit
irritated! ... and Doug finally asks, 'what country are you from'?
.... 'Serth Efrika' came Eugene .... Doug again, 'ah, South
Africa, what a beautiful place but I have to tell you sir, I had the worst
shag in me life there with the ugliest, nastiest, smelly woman I ever come
across on this gods' earth'! ... still not hearing well Eugenes'
woman, 'what did he say'? ..... Eugene turned around to his woman
and said, 'he thinks he knows you'! -
So theres a husband and wife that want to be accepted into the catholic church, so one day they decide to go and talk to the priest and see what it takes to be accepted, the priest says, "well in order to be accepted you two cant have sex for one month, after that you two are in forever, so after that the two agree and decide to come back after a week. So after a weekt they go back to the church and the priest asked them how it was going after the week, the husband said "it has been pretty good, i have been inside the house doing paper work and my wife has been outside gardening most of the time. The priest says ok and tells them to come back in another week, so the week goes by and the couple come back to the church the priest asks them how it has been going now and the husband says, "well its getting tuffer shes working at home and im mostley working late so we hardley even get to see eachother, but we are going to keep at it, so the priest says ok and send them on there ways for one more week. The week goes by the the couple come back again, and right away the husband says, "sorry father we just couldnt take it anymore. You see she was just standing there looking all hot and sexy, and she dropped a head of lettuce and i just had to have her right there. So the priest says well im sorry but you two arent allowed in the catholic church, the husbands says, "yeah were not allowed in hugos anymore either".
-
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates."In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something
that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said."You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"The man replied, "These are Carols."
-
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy.." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
to do anything."- U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating
base
Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row
is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum."- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to
Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) -
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions.The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him
to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest
says "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand.....and try saying things like....."Yes, I see" and "Yes, go on" and"
I understand."The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest. Then the old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and
saying, "No shit.....what happened next??" -
A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains
things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country
protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of
illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect
its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and,
once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the
thinking behind these protests.Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in
your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds
and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done
all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except
for when I broke into your house).According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add
me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other
benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work
because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in
part).If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who
will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and
I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except
for well, you know.And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a
fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it
without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an
anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you
can communicate with me.Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America. If you
agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it as a
good smile. If not blow it off, along with your future Social Security
funds. -
Ebonics night before christmas:
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
And all ower da hood
ereybody wuz' sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin' good.We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That old Santa
Clause Be bringin' our check.All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.I passed out inna' flo
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho.And what did I see
said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats!!Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name!On Leroy, on 'Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see!!As he landed dat watta' mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knowed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun' my neck.But he left no good prezents
Jus started stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!Wif my stuff in de bag
Out da window he flewed
I woudda' tried to catched him
But he stoled my 'nife too!!He jumped on dat wadda' mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat son of a bitch!!Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!! -
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to knowabout condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." :icon_pale: :icon_geek:
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This post is deleted!
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A guy goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the
counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a
caddie." The man behind the counter replied, "The 18 holes of golf is
no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I can
do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new Robot Golf Caddies.
If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back
and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first
tee, looked at the fairway, and said to himself, "I think my driver
will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No
sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with
the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the
hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and
thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said,
"No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left" Thinking
about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided
again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole
thanks to the robot and his advice. However, his luck didn't end
there.
His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the
assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the
clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The
golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played! Thank you
very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A
week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would
like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the
robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried,
"COMPLAINTS? Who in Hell could've complained about those robots? They
were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was
that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off
them was blinding other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So
then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and
replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed
for Welfare, and the other two robbed the Pro Shop."Disclaimer: tjamz is not prejudiced, I just post the jokes as I find them. Sorry if it offends some.
-
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of fiery red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa. -
**ABC's of ex girlfriends **
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.K
stands for Kill.L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!".
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
"tell the misses that thats how you got the man and thats how you KEEP the man
words to live by from the wise one"
-weshole -
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
*1989 Nissan 300ZX Z31 *
> DelSlow;262050 wrote:
> I like the new JN210 -
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up, I'll
need
all your children's names."'This one's my oldest; he is Leroy" "OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but Continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL
Named Leroy?"Their momma replied, "Well, yes- it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,
'Leroy!'
An ' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a
runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just
yell
Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming'
them all
Leroy."The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and
says tentatively,"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole Bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names." -
dirty haha
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