Official jokes thread

StangerBanger96

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

StangerBanger96

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he
asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young,"
said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or

a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running
around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.
Then along came the rooster.!
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?”
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on
the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

StangerBanger96

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with
a dog and a sheep. He began a conversation:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

StangerBanger96

a hillbilly was fuckin his sister and she started laughing.

he asked "whats so funny?"

she said "you fuck like dad."

he says "yeah, thats what mom says."

JN210

wow, those are awsome. lol

SPANISH-RICE

what did the egg say to the boiling water?

it might take me a while to get hard i just got laid by a hen

its much funnier when an UBER drunk indian guy rides up to you on a bike(barley making it up the curb) when your in a group of like 6 outside mexican village and asks to tell jokes for money so he can go to moorhead and buy "food". he tried his hand at some other jokes as well but the just came out jiberish and he gave up and just asked for the money.

thurmanmerman

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

LivinLow

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

LivinLow

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

1. The monitor is up on blocks.
1. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
1. The six front keys have rotted out.
1. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
1. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
1. The password is "Bubba".
1. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
1. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
1. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

LivinLow

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION

No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
Beer has never caused a major war.
They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
You can prove you have a Beer.
If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

thurmanmerman

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

weshole

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom where his mom is taking a shower. Always inquisitive, he asks his mom... "whats that furry thing down there?" She replies; "It's my sponge Johnny". Johnny quickly replies; "Oh ya, aunty has one too and dad used it to clean his face".

D S ohM

^Always a classic!!!

CombustionReaction

Cat Falls into a pool, a rooster laughs. Moral of the story a wet pussy makes a cock happy.

Bookem

Hold on to your Minnesota Quarters: They may be worth more than $0.25. The U.S. mint announced today that they are recalling all Minnesota Quarters that are part of it's program featuring a quarter from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the quarter will not work in parking meters, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design in the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by Norwegian specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel keeps jamming up the machines.

XJHEAD

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange, so I went to
the Currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one
lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen
for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I
get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

JN210

lol^

An indian needs to take a shit and has no toilet paper. He goes to the 24-7 and goes in and asks the clerk "You have toilet paper?" the clerk nods and leads the indian to the back of the store..."What is a cheap kind you got?" asks the indian The clerks points to some Toilet paper that is $1.00 the indian counts his money and has .50 he skakes his head and says "too much" after going through everything else the clerk says "Well we do have some extremely cheap unnamed brand...." "how much?" asks the indian ".50 for 5 rolls" answers the clerk "I take it" replies the indian. He goes home and takes a shit. a couple days later he comes back...."I have name for unnamed brand" The same clerk is there so he says "Oh yeah? and whats that?" "John wayne toilet paper" "and why is that?" asks the clerk "Becuase it's rough tough and takes no shit from indians" answers the indian

amicheze

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

         The Manager says, "Do you have any sales  experience?"

         The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota "

         Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

         His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

         The kid says, "One."

         The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

         The kid says "$101,237.65."

         The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

         The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going

fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

         The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

         The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"

LivinLow

^^lmao

LivinLow

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

Fargostreet.com

Official jokes thread