Official jokes thread

[Bookem]

Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:

2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!

[weshole]

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table! Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

---

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

[XJHEAD]

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - Fireman, Truck Driver, Salesman, etc.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement immediately changed the
subject and hurriedly set the other children to work on a coloring
project.

She then took Little Johnny aside and asked him, "Is that really true
about your father?"

No," said Johnny. "He's plays football for the Minnesota Vikings, but
I was just too embarrassed to say that."

[XJHEAD]

Steve and John, two builders, are sitting having a couple of
pints in a spit and sawdust pub, chewing the fat and such when
a well heeled business type chap walks in with his blackberry
and briefcase in tow, sits at the bar and orders a G & T.

The two are surprised to see someone dressed up so smart in
the notorious tavern they are in and begin to discuss what this
city gent could do for a living.

"Accountant or Lawyer, no danger" says John

"Nah, looks like a lawyer to me" says Steve

Time and fluid passes and, as Steve heads to the Gents, so
does the chap at the bar.

"Ask him what he does for a living" says John

"Alright" says Steve

The two men are next to each other at the urinal, going about
their respective businesses, so Steve takes the oppurtinity to broach the subject.

"Sorry to be intrusive fella, but what do you do for a living?"

"No intrusion at all" replies the man "I'm a logical scientist"

"A what?" says Steve "What's that all about then?"

"Tell you what, I'll give you an example" offers the man "Do
you own a goldfish?"

"Yes I do" answers Steve

"And logically speaking, you keep this in a pond or a bowl, I
assume" says the scientist.

"A pond actually" says Steve

"So on that basis I would go so far to say as you have a decent
size garden then"

"Huge" says Steve

"In which case, and correct me if I'm wrong, you have a fairly
large house?"

"Yep, five bedrooms, built it myself"

"Nice, good, well done pal, so I would assume that having five
bedrooms you don't live on your own then" suggests the scientist
"Correct, I live with the wife and our three kids"

"Sounds lovely, so without wishing to become too personal, you and
the wife have a fairly good sex life, what with popping out three
little ones!"

"Fairly good! Me and the wife are at it 6 times a week without
fail!" Exclaims Steve

"Nice one mate, get in. So, logically, with all that sex going
on you don't masturbate very often?" enquires the scientist

"Me......never" says Steve

"Well there you have it then" says the scientist. "From me asking
if you have a goldfish, I've found out about your 'personal
reflection time' habits"

"Thats amazing" says Steve, before they say goodbye, put their
pieces away and head back to the bar. Steve sits down and carries
on supping his ale.

"WELL" says John "What does he do then?"

"Oh, he's a logical scientist" Steve answers

"What's that all about then?" enquires John

"I'll give you an example" says Steve "Do you own a goldfish?"

"No" says John

"Well then" says Steve "You jack off"

[StangerBanger96]

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young man at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

[weshole]

Hahaha!!!!

[Guest]

Saw a billboard that said:

Need help, call Jesus.'
1-800-005-3787

...Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck

[JN210]

G.E. goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?" G.E. says no.

The doctor asks G.E. what he does all day. G.E. responds, "Nothing." The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"

G.E. replies, "Honestly, doc I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."

[Bookem]

Never lie to your mother

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it. But, I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house.
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains, one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer.
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains, if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Never lie to your mother.

Love, Mom.

[Guest]

Never Lie to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"? "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish??

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I
asked you to Do?" ?

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box..."
Never Lie To A WOMAN!!!!

[JN210]

Washing the Cat

1. Put the lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7.. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

[fdfreak]

So John has been seeing this girl, Wendy, for a while and decides that he wants to tatoo her name to his penis. So he does and he notices that when his dick is shriveled up all that shows is Wy.

One day John walks in to the showers at a local gym and notices a Big Jamaican in there. He thinks nothing of it and starts showering next to him. A few minutes later John couldn't help but notice that the jamaican had Wy on his dick too.

John says "hey man, is your girl friends name Wendy too?" Jamaican says "What you talkin bout, mon?

John continues " I noticed your dick says Wy. I was wondering if it was short for Wendy."

Jamaican says "No mon, it says Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!

[Guest]

Quick Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,

'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the t ime you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend; she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[fanaticrockford]

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards
on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by
this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute
or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since
Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her
house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her
$100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came
home about 6:00 pm and asked his wife, "Did John come by this
afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he gave me
$100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me and said he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me
back.

[JN210]

Whats the difference between a cunt and a pussy?

A pussy is wet warm, soft and comfortable.......

A cunt knows how to use it.

[Guest]

*Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and

'My Life' by Bill Clinton. *

One student turned in the following book report,

With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.**

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99

Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and

subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and

subsequent catastrophe.**

**

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica..

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.**

[XJHEAD]

A Teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan.

"

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican.

"

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a
Republican, so I'm a Republican.

"

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and
your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan.

[Burthwick]

I believe that one is posted a long time ago:)

[StangerBanger96]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

[weshole]

So a husband and wife are in bed one night. The husband decides hes feeling a bit freaky and asks the wife... "Can I cum in your ear?" She looks at him with a shocked look and says.. "hell no, I'll go deaf!!" He quickly replies..."That's funny, I've cum in your mouth multiple times and you have yet to shut the fuck up!!"