Official jokes thread

[RidinRails]

#1. A vampire goes into a bar and asks for a hot cup of water, the bartender says "i thought vampires only drank blood?" The vampire pulled out a tampon and said "i'm having tea"

#2. A boy see's his grandma naked and asks "whats that"
Grandma - "its my beaver"
Boy - "is it dead"
Grandma - Why?
Boy - "cuz its tongue is stickin out!"

[Stärke]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

[Stärke]

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

[95accord]

There was a mexican, asian, and a white guy working construction on the high steel. Lunch time came,
mexican says, if i get tacos again tomarrow im jumpin off and killing myself.
asian says, oh man rice again, if i get it again tomarrow im jumpin off and killing myself.
white guy opens his lunch and says damn it bologna again, if i get bolonga again tomarrow im gonna jump off and killmyself.

Next day comes and lunch time rolls around
mexican, damn..tacos again alright thats it....and jumps off...dead
asian, son of a bitch...rice again...thats it for me too.....jumps off...dead
white guy, fuck....bologna again....jumps off....dead

Funeral was acouple days later and all three of the wifes were there togeter

mexicans wife said while crying...if i would have known he didnt like tacos i wouldnt have made them for him.
asians wife says while crying...if i would have know he didnt like rice that much i wouldnt have made it for him.
white guys wife just stands over him and looks....the other wifes look at the white chick while sobbing....she says what....he packed his own lunch

[Stärke]

Employee of the year

---

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything-under one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a
day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for
his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[Stärke]

An old Pilot sat down at the Mug and Bean and ordered a cup of coffee. (Wearing his wings badge on his shirt)
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[kylush]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b###### would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Grr]

Fuckin Obamopoly is funny as hell

[Trafik Jamz]

^^I can't believe that boardgame missed MSNBC....much more liberal than regular NBC even. So far left I can't even watch it.

[weshole]

A guy walks into a department store and asks one of the cashiers where the tampons are because his wife sent him to get some. She kindly points him in the right direction and he proceeds down said isle.

A few minutes later, he rolls up on the checkout counter with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. The lady gave him a dumbfounded look and asked; "I thought you wanted to buy your wife tampons?"

He replied... "It's like this. I sent her to the store to get me cigarettes and she comes home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper because "it's so much cheaper". "So, I figured.... If I have to roll my own, so does she."

[Stärke]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

[Stärke]

I got a nephew that I think a lot of
who works for this oil company,
and about four years ago they moved
him down to South America
and I ain’t seen him since.

But he still thinks about me and ma Crabapple.
Every Christmas he sends us a nice present.
This past Christmas he sent us a live bird,
a green bird about this tall with a
little yellow top notch on his head and
some red on it with a hooked beak
and sent it to us live from South America.

I’ll tell you something, that bird was delicious.

Yes sir.

We had him for Christmas dinner.

We fixed him with dressing and
had some cranberry sauce
and sweet potato stuffing.

Well, after Christmas my nephew called and
wanted to know if we got the bird.

I said; "We got him." and
he asked how we liked him.

I said; "He was delicious." and
he said; "You don’t mean that you ate him!"

I said; "Of course we did."

My nephew got all upset and pitched a fit.
He said; "I paid a fortune for that bird."
He said; "That thing is worth a fortune."
He said; "That bird could speak two different languages."

I said; " Well..., he should have said something."

[XJHEAD]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.* She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.*I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.Apparently I'm not welcomeback at KFC . . .

[Trafik Jamz]

DID YOU KNOW ?

    THAT THE WORDS "RACE CAR" SPELLED BACKWARD SAYS "RACE CAR."
    THAT "EAT" IS THE ONLY WORD THAT IF YOU TAKE THE 1st LETTER AND MOVE 

IT TO THE LAST, IT SPELLS ITS PAST TENSE ATE.
AND....HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT IF YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN
"ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS," AND ADD JUST A FEW MORE LETTERS, IT SPELLS OUT: "GO
HOME, YOU FREE-LOADING, BENEFIT-GRABBING, KID-PRODUCING,
NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING APEHOLES AND TAKE THOSE OTHER HAIRY-FACED,
SANDAL-WEARING, BOMB-MAKING, GOAT-LOVING, RAGGEDY-AZZ BLASTARDS WITH YOU."
How WEIRD is that?

[weshole]

I hate going to weddings. There's always old people nudging you and saying "your next". So now, I go to funerals and do the same thing to them.

[weshole]

I was so depressed last night thinking bout Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . .

I called lifeline and got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[weshole]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Puns for the Mind and Body

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
   ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
   but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
   says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
   taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." The doc
   replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." The worried patient
   says, " Is it common?" The doc smiles, " Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
   Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly replies, "I
   don't believe you." "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
   look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
    find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I
    amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
    says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
    the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
    have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
    in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
    an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't
    stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
    to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
    in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
    himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
    husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
    responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
    little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
    from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...
    a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
    there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
    laugh. No pun in ten did.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[Bookem]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George . After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows.’ 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

[Bookem]

2009 Tax Code

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has
two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
6 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
4 - 6" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

[thurmanmerman]

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new.”

“So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”