Official jokes thread

ichibankilla

I thought this was pretty funny because it came from a black man of all people.

What NASCAR really means.
Negro Aint Suppose to be Coming Around the Racetrack

Bassplayer

These are all hilarious!

LivinLow

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

thurmanmerman

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

LivinLow

^^^ lmao

thurmanmerman

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!

StangerBanger96

A man dies one day and he goes to hell, there he quickly becomes scared of how bad it's going to be from now on. Moments later the devil shows up and greets the man.

"Welcome to hell", the devil says, "How are you?"

The man responds, "Well im pretty bummed out, i'm in hell", then the devil says
"I'ts no so bad here, do u drink?" The man says yes, then the devil says, "Well you are gonna love Mondays, cuz its alcohol day, we got every drink you could imagine, we got beers, rum, wine, whiskey, anything you like we have, and theres no hangover the next day or worrying about ur liver because youre dead"

The man likes this so he cheers up a little, then the devil asks him, "Do you like smoking?" The man also says yes, then the devil says," Well you are gonna like Tuesdays since its the day of smoking, we have every kind of Ciggarettes you could think of and you dont need to worry about your lungs cuz youre dead"

Again the man cheers up because he likes this, he starts thinking maybe it wont be so bad being in hell, then the devil asks "Do you like gambling?" And the man says yes to this too, he mentions he loves going to the casion all the time, then the devil says, "You are gonna enjoy Wednesdays because thats gambling day, we got every single game you could find in any casino, from blackjack to poker, from craps to roulette, anything ud like and it wont matter if u loose all ur money cuz ur dead anyways"

After telling this to the man the devil asks "Do you like drugs?" The man quickly responds "Hell yeah!" And the devil says "Well youre gonna love Thursdays because we have every kind of drug that you had while u were alive"

The man then is convinced that Heaven couldn't have been better than where he is now so he stops being sad abou dying and going to hell. Then the devil asks him "Are you gay?" Then man says no, then the devil responds "Well you are not going to like Fridays..."

StangerBanger96

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

StangerBanger96

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he
asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young,"
said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or

a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running
around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.
Then along came the rooster.!
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?”
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on
the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

StangerBanger96

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with
a dog and a sheep. He began a conversation:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

StangerBanger96

a hillbilly was fuckin his sister and she started laughing.

he asked "whats so funny?"

she said "you fuck like dad."

he says "yeah, thats what mom says."

JN210

wow, those are awsome. lol

SPANISH-RICE

what did the egg say to the boiling water?

it might take me a while to get hard i just got laid by a hen

its much funnier when an UBER drunk indian guy rides up to you on a bike(barley making it up the curb) when your in a group of like 6 outside mexican village and asks to tell jokes for money so he can go to moorhead and buy "food". he tried his hand at some other jokes as well but the just came out jiberish and he gave up and just asked for the money.

thurmanmerman

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

LivinLow

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

LivinLow

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

1. The monitor is up on blocks.
1. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
1. The six front keys have rotted out.
1. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
1. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
1. The password is "Bubba".
1. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
1. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
1. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

LivinLow

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION

No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
Beer has never caused a major war.
They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
You can prove you have a Beer.
If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

thurmanmerman

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

weshole

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom where his mom is taking a shower. Always inquisitive, he asks his mom... "whats that furry thing down there?" She replies; "It's my sponge Johnny". Johnny quickly replies; "Oh ya, aunty has one too and dad used it to clean his face".

D S ohM

^Always a classic!!!

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